


Things Worse Than Death

by NotEvenThat



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Afterlife, Alec and Magnus love each other so much, Angst, Blood mentioned, Character Death, Extreme angst with a happy last scene, Happy ending if you look at it the right way, M/M, Magnus takes care of Alec, Parabatai Bond, Please read these tags, Self-Harm, Suicide, lots of blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:27:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9237101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotEvenThat/pseuds/NotEvenThat
Summary: When Jace died, Alec's soul was dragged into the beyond with him. Every once in a while though, part of Alec came back.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags! This fic deals with some very dark themes and I don't want anyone to get triggered by anything they didn't want to read.

Magnus got the call about Jace from some shadowhunter he’d never met. The boy was hesitant, stuttering formally through the message he was obviously told to tell. “Mister Bane? It’s the New York Institute.” Magnus was shocked. So shocked he didn’t answer the boy for a few seconds. He could hear him calling nervously into the phone, “Mister Bane..?”, but Magnus was focused on something else entirely.

There was no reason some random shadowhunter would be calling him. When Alec was unavailable Izzy or Jace called him. When all three of them were unavailable, Maryse called him, awkwardly and formally but she called. There was no reason they would tell some random shadowhunter, one who obviously didn’t understand why he was told to call the High Warlock of Brooklyn about whatever this was about, unless something very very bad had happened.

Magnus was out the door before it was explained. Grabbing his jacket off the table and rushing out, snapping into the phone as he ran. “What? What happened?”

It was cold out. More than cold. Magnus had used up most of his magic on clients today and he couldn't portal himself to the institute. Of course, it had to happen on the one night he couldn’t portal himself, on the one night when it was below freezing. “Uh.. A Shadowhunter was killed tonight during a mission.” He didn’t react. He didn’t let himself stop walking. If he did he would collapse. He would start crying. He would start screaming. He kept walking. “Who?”

“Jonathan Herondale.” Magnus felt terrible at the relief he felt. Not Alec. Not his Alec. He hung up the phone and kept walking. They could deal with this. Alec was okay. His parabatai was gone but Alec was okay.

He got to the institute ten minutes later and stopped in the doorway. Everything was silent. No clave members in the hall. No Lightwoods rushing to meet him. He was only a little surprised. The boy had told him to go to the infirmary but Magnus didn’t care about meeting Maryse right now.  He couldn’t even imagine the pain Alec must be feeling. He walked straight to his room, knocking softly before pushing open the door.

He thought Alec would be sitting there. Crying. Staring. Screaming. But the room was empty, void of even Alec’s gear on the floor.

 _He must be with Isabelle or his mom._ He ran into Maryse in the hallway before he even finished the thought. For a moment, she just stared at him. Not with anger or humiliation but just staring. Jace and her hadn't been close in the past few years. Neither of them had really gotten over how Maryse acted when she thought Jace was Valentines son but she still raised him. Of course, she was upset, mourning, numb. She didn’t have any anger left to hate Magnus. At least, not right now.

“Where is he, Maryse?” He spoke softly. His hate for Alecs mother certainly wasn’t overcome with pity but that didn’t mean the situation deserved anything more than hushed voices.

“Magnus..” She trailed off, watching him  with some emotion he didn't care to place.

“Maryse.” He spoke firmly, any lasting respect of the mourning mother leaving him. He needed to be there for Alec. “Where is he?”

She shook her head, sighing softly. “The infirmary.”

They hadn’t mentioned Alec being hurt. The boy on the phone said Jace had died but he didn’t mention anything about Alec. His heart pounded as he raced through the hallways towards the infirmary. Of course, Alec was hurt. Alec would never let Jace die if he could stop it. Alec was always there, throwing himself in front of Jace, shielding him from anything he could. Of course, If Jace was dead Alec was hurt too. Alec wouldn't let it happen any other way. 

At first Magnus thought he was dead. He threw open the metal doors and marched in, his eyes scanning frantically until they fell on Alec. He was just laying there, not moving an inch except for chest slowly rising and falling. Magnus was at his side in a second, his magic flowing through Alecs body, checking for the injury that Magnus was failing to see but.. There was nothing.

He hadn't noticed Maryse followed him until she spoke. “He fell unconscious when Jace died.. We can’t wake him up.”

Magnus stared at her, panicking through the next part of the conversation. _Have you called the Silent Brothers? Yes. They’re on the way. Does this normally happen? No.. never. Are you sure? Yes, Magnus. This.. Isnt normal._

The Silent Brothers came and went. There was nothing they could do. They said that Alec and Jace's parabatai bond was the closest one they’d ever seen. They said that when Jace died their souls probably didn’t break apart like they normally do. They said that Alec was probably pulled with him, into whatever lies beyond this, leaving Alecs body, empty but alive.

Then Catherine came and confirmed it. She pressed her blue hands against Alecs chest and when she opened her eyes she looked at Magnus with pity. “His soul is gone.” She glanced at Maryse and Isabelle beside him and Magnus wanted to scream. “Some of it is still left but.. Not enough. I don’t think he’ll ever wake up again. “

He did though. Two days later, Alec opened his eyes. Magnus was at his side when he did, quietly reading to him, desperately trying to focus on something other than his own thoughts, when he looked up and almost had a heart attack seeing those blue eyes stare at him. He jumped to his side, off the chair he’d been sitting in and grabbed Alecs hand, frantically, excitedly, hopefully calling his name.

Alec just blinked at him, slowly looking down to where Magnus was holding his hand and then slowly looking back to Magnus, staring at him with the blank amazement of an infant. For a couple of days, they stayed hopeful. Izzy and Magnus stayed by his side constantly, talking to him, holding him, trying anything to get him to respond. Sometimes, he smiled or laughed at something they couldn’t see. Sometimes, he mumbled things. Once, while Magnus was sleeping at his side he’d said, “Like ice,” and when Magnus sat up and looked at him he was staring at the door, smiling.

After a week, they gave up. They still talk to him and Magnus couldn't stop himself from touching Alec but they stopped hoping Alec would respond anymore than how he was.

After a month, Maryse approaching him and offered, wording it like she was doing Magnus a favor, that he take Alec to his loft. He did. Immediately, because he wanted Alec back at his loft more than anything but that didn’t mean he was any less disgusted. He knew it was because of the Clave. They didn’t want to support Alec anymore. They fed him and supported the IVs to keep him alive long enough for them to know that he wasn’t going to come back but now they were done. They had no reason to support someone who could no longer give back to them.

So, they went to Magnus’s loft. Magnus carried him bridal style up the stairs, as Alec hugged his neck and stared blankly at the lights overhead. Magnus hoped, absently, that Alec would react when he saw the loft again, but he didn't.

Alec had been at the loft for two weeks the first time it happened. He was laying on the couch, silently watching the TV flash in front of his eyes while Magnus cooked in the kitchen. A few minutes later, Magnus came back into the living room with a bowl of soup (something easy to spoon in Alecs mouth) and almost dropped it when he looked up. The bowl splashed hot water against his chest as stumbled back in surprise, staring at Alec, dumbfounded. He was sitting up. It had been almost two months and the most Alec had done was move his arms. Sometimes, he grabbed Magnus but he had never sat up on his own.

And he was staring at Magnus. His eyes moved. He _looked_ at Magnus a lot. Most of the time that he was awake his eyes were watching Magnus, unless he found something more interesting to look at, but this time he was actually staring _at_ him. Like he saw him. Like he was there and he _really_ saw him.

Magnus started forward fast, spilt some more of the soup down his chest and then slowed down, approaching Alec with a forced casualness, terrified of scaring him. “Alexander?” He stopped a few feet away, the bowl burning his hands, scared to move forward anymore but terrified to look away and look back to find Alecs eyes blank again. “Sweetheart?”

Something about that made Alec laugh. It was a beautiful beautiful sound. For the moment, Magnus enjoyed it, ignoring the chill that went down his spine at the cold, vacant, childlike note in it. Alec laughed at him. Not at something on the wall. Not at something Magnus couldn’t see. Not at nothing. He laughed at him.

“Alec?” Magnus moved forward. He hesitated for a few seconds before slowly placing the bowl down on the table, cautiously moving to crouch in front of him. “Can you hear me?”

Alec looked down at him, the amusement obvious on his face. He hummed for a moment before whispering out a slow, _“Yes,”_ and then giggling at the sound from his throat. His eyes were wandering. Looking around the loft, not focusing on anything in particular.

Magnus had to call him a few times to get his attention back. “Do you remember me?” He couldn’t help it. Alec had been staring at him vacantly for months now. It was easy to think that there was nothing there and that's why he didn’t respond to Magnus but now there was something here. Some part of Alec had found its way back and Magnus couldn’t help it. He needed to know if Alec even remembered him.

Alec stared at him for a moment, amused and indifferent to Magnus’s desperation. So much so that Magnus thought Alec was going to ignore him. Then, Alec giggled again, whispering a soft, airy, _“No.”_

Magnus felt his heart break. It didn’t matter. It didn’t change anything. Magnus was going to take care of Alec regardless of what he remembered but it still twisted the knife in harder, knowing that even now, with some version of Alec back he was still gone.

 _“Magnus..”_ Magnus’s gaze snapped up to look at Alec, whose head was twisted up to look at the ceiling as he giggled.

“What? Alec, What did you say?” Magnus grabbed Alec's hands when he ignored him and instantly regretted it as Alec looked down, completely distracted by the touch on his skin. “Alexander. Look at me. What did you say?”

Alecs eyes slowly drifted to his face again, watching him for a moment before laughing quietly, his eyes fluttering shut as his grip loosened on Magnus’s hands. Moments later, when Magnus made him open his eyes, they were empty.

It didn’t happen again for months. Three exactly. Three months of watching Alec's every move. Of Magnus’s heart skipping every time Alec twitched, only to have it crushed when Alec looked over at him, completely unseeing.

It happened in the bedroom this time. Most days, Alec stayed on the couch while Magnus was working, putting him in the perfect spot so that Magnus could keep an eye on him during the day. Today though, Magnus had been called away to deal with an old client. He didn't take clients that he couldn’t deal with from home but this one was more personal and the mother knew exactly what to say to make Magnus feel guilty. So, Alec had been left at home with Tessa.  

They had just gotten into bed, Magnus’s body curled close to Alec's, peering at his closed eyelids dim lighting. “Did you have fun with Tessa, today?” Magnus muttered, gently brushing his fingertips across Alec’s eyelids. It was a ritual they still did every night. Before Jace died, him and Alec would curl up in bed, normally far too late a night, most of the time just when Alec had gotten back from a mission. Even though they were both tired they would sit up and talk, sharing glaces in the dim lighting of Magnus’s room. Later in their relationship, they had curled up in each others arms and whispered between kisses. A while after that, it happened after sex. Now though, it was just a one sided conversation that, more often than not, left Magnus crying.

Tonight it seemed was the exception because Alec's eyes fluttered open, fighting against the sleep his body was falling into. He looked at Magnus with the same dull curiosity, the same hint of amusement. _“I wasn’t with Tessa..”_ He whispered, his speech slurred by the sleep in his tone.

Magnus froze for a moment before jumping into the conversation, forcing himself to be calm, not to be over eager, not to scare him away. “No?.. Where were you then?” He asked quietly, scared to speak any louder incase something in his voice gave away how anxious he was, how happy he was, how scared he was.

Alec giggled softly, his eyes already fighting to stay open, _“I was with Jace..”_

“Yeah?” Magnus’s hand brushed against Alec cheek, trying to do what he’d done the last time this happened and distract him, anything to keep him awake. “Did you have fun?..”

Alecs eyes fluttered for a moment, opening the slightest bit to look at Magnus. “ _You’re taking a long time..”_ He whispered, his eyes already closing again as he said it.

“A long time? A long time for what?” Magnus asked, unable to keep the desperation out of his tone, even as he heard it. Alec was leaving again. He was falling asleep, he was leaving.

 _“To come meet us..”_ Alec said softly, like it was obvious. A moment later he was gone again. Magnus almost tried to wake him up. Almost starting shaking him, hitting him, anything to get him to wake up again but Magnus opened one of his eyes, softly with his index finger and his thumb, and he knew that sleep wasn’t the reason Alec was gone.

It was three days later when Magnus made his decision. He knew what he was going to do the second Alec said it, _To come meet us..,_ but Magnus was never an impulsive person, dispute what people think. Part of him was still hoping that Alec would wake up. That he would open his eyes and take the knife for his hands, whispering, _No. Magnus. Not like this. Not now._

He didn’t though. He laid on the bed, exactly where Magnus had left him, almost looking like he was asleep. Almost, because Alec moved a lot in his sleep but this Alec stayed perfectly still. Like a corpse. Magnus kissed him softly and brought the knife down to his wrists. It was a beautiful weapon that was once Alec’s. It was old, something that's been left in the institute for centuries before Alec took a liking to it, which is the only reason it wasn’t covered in runes.  

 _Maybe that would have been more appropriate,_ Magnus thought. _Going out with a weapon that burns my skin._

Alec didn’t move when he made the first cut. He did it quickly, a fast slash across Alec's left wrist that instantly bubbled with blood. Part of Magnus was expecting nothing to happen. That he would cut open Alec’s wrist and find dead flesh and dried up veins. _Alive but gone._ Magnus did the same thing to the other wrist and then he sat there, watching the blood flow out onto the silk sheet Alec had been so charmed by once.

He didn’t notice Alec was awake until he whispered, _“Are you coming too?”_ He said it softly, watching Magnus sadly, like he actually thought Magnus was going to leave him. It was the first real emotion Magnus had seen on Alec's face since it happened.

“Of course, love. Of course, i'm coming too.” Magnus trembled as he brought the knife to his wrist, his vision blinded by tears as he slowly pressed it in. It hurt, of course it hurt. He pulled his hand back and did it quickly, a fast jerking motion that left the wound on his wrist jagged and open. He choked as he did it to the other and then he fell into Alec's arms, burying his face in Alec's chest, desperately clinging to him. “Please, don't go yet.. Please, don't leave me.. Alec..” _He going to leave. He going to leave me here alone to die._

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and held him, the blood soaking through Magnus’s shirt, sticky, warm and far too much of it. _“I'm not, Magnus.. I have you.”_  His voice sounded so real. So alive, so much like the person who left him. It had only been a few seconds but his vision was blurring. _I could call someone. I could call Catherine and she could fix it, she could stop the blood and she could fix him and keep him here. “It's okay, Magnus. You don’t have to be scared. I was scared too, but i'm with you now.”_

“I d-don’t want to do it..” Magnus pushed against Alecs chest but Alec just held him closer. “I don't w-want it, Alec.” Everything was too cold, nothing looked right, everything was too slow. “Alec.. Fix it.. F-fix it..”

Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus’s ear and for the first time in years Magnus didn’t want it. _Not like this, I don't want it like this. “It's okay, Magnus. I'm right here.”_ His heart was beating too fast in his chest. _Why is it so fast? Why is it so scary? It's not supposed to be scary.. This wasn’t supposed to be scary. “I have you, Magnus. Just close your eyes.”_  His eyes closed but not because he wanted too. _I can’t move.. I can’t move. I should have told him I loved him. Why did I tell him I loved him?_ Magnus tried to open his mouth but it wouldn’t open. Alec was still cooing in his ear but he couldn't hear it. It sounded like he was underwater. _Were they swimming? Did they go swimming?_ A memory busts to the surface, the water was glowing, Alec was holding him. They were in a pool. Izzy was laughing somewhere behind them, trying to push Jace into the water. They were at the hotel.. The one with the pretty skylights. It was their anniversary.. They went swimming on their anniversary.. The water was so warm and Alec was kissing him…

“Happy anniversary, love.” Alec looked beautiful. The light of of the pool was shining, covering him in a blue glow, making his eyes look like they were glowing. The stars above them were shimmering, so many of them scattered across the sky. Even the air around them felt magical and beautiful. Magnus almost felt like he could see it, see the beauty of the world in front of his eyes like a living being. Are there normally that many stars? Does the world always look as beautiful as it does now?

Alec’s chest moved against him and Magnus didn’t need to look down to see the beauty of his runes shining through the water, distorted by their movement. He’d been looking all night.

“Happy anniversary, Magnus.” Alec whispered, pressing his lips into Magnus’s. It wasn’t fireworks. It wasn’t sparks. It was something more subtle. The same swelling in his chest he’d felt every time he looked at Alec. The same feeling he had the first time Alec kissed him, the first Alec held his hand. _Love.._ That's what love feels like.

He wanted to tell Alec. He wanted to tell him how much he cried the first time Alec told him he loved him as he walked out the door. He wanted to tell him that, even after living for so many years, he didn’t know that love could feel this good. That he didn’t know that he could be this happy. That he didn’t know that another person could make him feel so happy. “I wish we could stay here forever..”

Alec snorted against his cheek, pressing a gently kiss against the skin there. “Your fingers would get all pruney!”

“I know..” _I know they would but I wouldn’t mind. Id never mind if I could stay here with you forever._ He didn’t want to think about it but he was. His mind was drifting him, reminding him all to suddenly that this was all fleeting. That someday, maybe not too long from now, he would wake up and Alec wouldn’t be there to kiss him good morning. That Alec wouldn’t be there to hold him when he was scared to get in the water by himself.

Alec expression softened. He could tell. He didn’t need Magnus to say it to see that he was thinking too hard. “I wish we could stay here forever too..” They couldn't though, because that's not the way life worked. An hour later they got out of the pool, said goodnight to Izzy and Jace and made their way up into their hotel room, where they held each other and stared through the skylights.

It wasn’t forever but, for now, it was enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you cried you have to comment.  
> Even if you didn't, please comment?  
> DID YOU GUYS SEE EPISODE THREE? I CALLED IT! I CALLED IT! I mean Jace didn't die but... I called the concept.


End file.
